I have a friend with benefits. Nice woman, divorced two kids, she’s a little older than me. It aint love, just sex for 37 straight hours and good conversation every other weekend when her ex-husband has the boys.
A comfortable rhythm only disrupted by the occasional vacation of said ex-husband in which case her weekends are tied up with the munchkins or I’m on the road schilling TV shows to a network or two in. So sometimes the stretch between exercise sessions can be longer. That’s what happened to us recently.
So last Friday night after 4 weeks 3 days 15 hours and 23 minutes we had the chance to get it on! One problem. She’s sick. One of the joys of parenthood is that you get to share all the germs your kids bring home. It’s a very “giving” arrangement.
Now I’m not a pig. Honest! I offered to take a rain check. It was no big deal. We will see each other in a few weeks. She needs to get her rest.
But she says: “No, no come on over. I am feeling much better now. If the lights are off when you get here just come up stairs.”
Well, I’m compassionate but I’m not stupid. 10 minutes later I’m walking into her apartment and heading for the bed room, which like the rest of the place, is pitch black. All I hear is the voice of Joan Rivers saying “Come here honey” (hack cough gag wheeze)
Guys, you may be horny but your brain is now working over time.
Just how sick is she that she doesn’t want me to see her? She still have a face? I don’t need to have sex but since I’m here the least I can do is make sure she’s ok. What if she wants to have sex any way? Lets see if she has a fever. If she doesn’t have a fever than she can’t be contagious so we can have sex. Aaah virus infections often times don’t have fevers. Well if she is still up for it I just won’t kiss her. We practice safe sex so my exposure will be limited. What if she has a runny nose? Well how bad is it? Is it just a sniffle or the river Nile during flood season? What about diarrhea? Ewwwww I can’t believe I’m thinking this way. Hey she told me to come over.
Seems neurotic doesn’t it? That whole stream of consciousness occurred in the 15 feet and 2 and half seconds it took from me to walk from her door way to the bed and sit next to her. We talked and after listening too her for a few minutes I decide to stay but we wouldn’t have sex. She needed to sleep.
I can be very comforting in situations like this…really…honest. We can just snuggle up and she can rest or so I thought.
A half hour later her feet are doing the most bizarre things to me. Oh sure she may sound like hell but clearly some one is feeling better. Who the hell am I to argue?
Fellas, no matter how bad the situation, man logic kicks in and we can justify any thing to our selves. She could have a sucking chest wound but we would still need to fill the time till the ambulance arrives. Right? Sure we do, cause we are men!
She is acting frisky. She must be feeling ok. Just don’t kiss. Don’t kiss damn you!. Doesn’t matter what your intentions may be but after 4 solid hours of doing the “funky monkey” at some point spit will be swapped. Hell it’s just a cold right? Bing! Bang! Boom! She’s happy I’m tired we fall asleep.
Next morning as I wrap my arm around her as a gentle way to say good morning I hear.
“I’m gonna be sick!”
For a fraction of a second I thought it was something I had done. I’m sensitive that way…really..honest. Then I realize as she runs naked from the bed to hurl for the next 2 hours that perhaps she wasn’t as healthy as she reported to be. I got suckered!! Damn it!
She has a stronger libido than I do. I may have been willing to have sex with a sick person, but she was willing to spread her germs just to have sex!
The moral here kids? No matter how good the nookie it aint worth blowing your cookies. Safe sex isn’t just about VD and in seven days I am going to have a full blown case of the plague.
Aaaahhhhh who says romance is dead…..Dont judge, you have done it too :-)